TWO is cooking in the kitchen. Enter ONE.

ONE:  (Entering) Come on, are you ready yet?

TWO:  Nearly, nearly. I'm almost finished.

ONE:  (Interrupting) You've been in here for ages. We haven't seen you all day.

TWO:  Well I'm very sorry, but I think that someone here might be missing the true meaning of Christmas.

ONE: Which is?

TWO: Eating, of course.

ONE:  There's a difference between ‘eating' and ‘stuffing yourself so full that you resemble a hot air balloon.' I mean, look at it all!

TWO:  Don't be silly. It's just the normal Christmas meal, that's all.

ONE:  (Pause) Why is the front of the oven bulging like that?

TWO:  Ah, well I had a bit of difficulty getting the turkey in. It just about squeezed in, but only if I nailed the door shut.

ONE:  That's not a turkey, that's a pterodactyl!

TWO:  Well, I don't want to run out of food.

ONE:  We won't run out of food. We never run out of food. Last year we were still eating turkey sandwiches in June.

TWO:  Well, I had to have a big turkey to fit in all the stuffing.

ONE: You haven't made your special stuffing again, have you?

TWO:  I'll have you know my Weetabix, Honey and Marmite stuffing has won awards.

ONE:  Yes, but only from the construction industry. ‘Best roof insulation material'. It's the same every year. You go mad. And you forget what Christmas is really all about.

TWO:  I do not. I understand perfectly what Christmas is all about. At this time of year we should remember those less fortunate than ourselves, those who have none of the comforts that we take for granted...(pause)...like the greengrocer.

ONE:  The greengrocer?

TWO: Do you know how early that man has to get up? At the break of day he's there, his back breaking under the strain of shifting boxes of satsumas and cartons of dates; his hands red raw with all those Christmas trees he has to stack outside his shop. And the butcher - what about him? Does anyone care about him, slaving away, day in, day out, in the freezing cold, trussing up turkeys and hanging up hams. And what about the supermarket checkout staff? Shouldn't we do our bit for them at Christmas?

ONE: That is ridiculous. Those are not what Christmas is all about. Christmas is about one person.

TWO: Of course I remember that person. I'm using her cookbook.

ONE: Not Delia! Jesus!

TWO: Who?

ONE: Jesus. Born in Bethlehem. The one in all the carols. The one on the front of all the Christmas cards.

TWO: Is he the one with the reindeer?

ONE: No, that is Father Christmas. You know perfectly well who I'm talking about. What would he make of all this? What would he make of the seventeen tons of turkey crammed into the oven there? What would he make of all the money we waste at Christmas on presents that nobody wants and food that nobody eats? Maybe we ought to think about that during the Carol Service.

TWO: Carol service?

ONE: You remember? We're going to the Carol Service tonight.

TWO: But I haven't done the mince pies yet.

ONE: Leave it. Just come and think about what Christmas really means for once. It's not all this, is it? It's a time to be with the family, to celebrate a birthday, to be grateful for what we have.

TWO: I am grateful for what I have, especially that extra-large food processor.

ONE: You know what I mean.

TWO:  Yes, all right. I'll leave it at that. OK. But we'll have to do without the mince pies.

ONE: I think I'll cope. And anyway, we need a sledgehammer to eat your mince pies.

TWO: You do not.

ONE: We do. I gave away a load last Christmas to the council. They used them as foundations for the new bypass.

TWO: You are so rotten.

ONE: Just a joke. Come on. Get your coat on.

He exits.

TWO: (Looks around at all the food for a moment) I wonder if they've got refreshments? I'm starving...

Exit.

TAKING IT FURTHER

1. Do you think that we eat too much at Christmas?

2. Do you think it is wrong to ‘stuff our faces'? Why?

3.  ‘What would Jesus make of all the money we waste at Christmas on presents that nobody wants and food that nobody eats?' What do you think he would say?

4. What do you think the true meaning of Christmas really is?

5. Is there any part of your Christmas celebration that you could simplify?